“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
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Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.