Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
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If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.