“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
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(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Awwwww shit.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?