“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
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I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
john wicks are toilet candles
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.