“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
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I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
oh good, now I can stop drinking
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.