Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
You Might Also Like
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.