You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
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My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?