DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
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[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
🤣🤣🤣
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”