DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
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I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.