dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
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Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Cat is stressing him out.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.