dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
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Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Basketball
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.