“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
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When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.