“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
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doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning