“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard