Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
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Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Come back with a warrant
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”