Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
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Who’s ready for Friday?!
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Why I divorced her.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…