Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere