Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
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Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me