Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
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Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
shit just got real
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?