Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
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You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.