this is the best interaction on twitter
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If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.