It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
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Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.