@DaddyJew: "Daddy, how are babies made?"
"Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink.."
@TarzanFeathers: My wife remains very racist in her approach to laundry.
@CoolCamel69: Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
"Dad I swear they're not mine"
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
@ClearlyUnwell: A wise man once said nothing.
@MUMSIEesq: Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids' most annoying toys in the trunk.
@NicestHippo: Ever since childhood I've identified as a hippo. While other kids were playing, I savagely mauled villagers. #TransSpecies