“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
You Might Also Like
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.