“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
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I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
sir, my pâté if you please
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.