Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
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I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….