“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
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Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?