“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
You Might Also Like
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?