“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
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Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…