“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
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I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Lol