“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
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It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.