Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
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A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
honestly, i need both:
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Left at a local drug store…
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
They’re stuck in your pants?
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger