Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
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When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
want me to check your oil?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.