“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
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THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.