“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
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Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
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I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
and this one
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”