“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
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Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.