“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
You Might Also Like
#StillHurts
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage