“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
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COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.