[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
You Might Also Like
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.