*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
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10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y