@DaddyJew: Daddy, what's for dinner?
"did you have cereal for breakfast?"
@TwatyTweets: When I have kids I'm gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It's the only way I can be sure they won't try them.
@_sleepysmile: Him: My voice is a little hoarse.
Me: You have a pony?!
Me: I wish I had a pony. *pouts*
@longwall26: Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
@HeyoShellz: Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I'm dying just let me lay here
@mellimelle: The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.