Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
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Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?