@DaddyJew: Daddy, what's for dinner?
"did you have cereal for breakfast?"
@StellaGMaddox: 5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
@_davidlucas_: In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
@beermanboobs: Surprise your coworkers by hiding in the utility closet until you're dead.
@jeffpfeifer66: Moaning and gasping "Give it to me baby!" during a prostate exam will leave you looking for a new doctor.
Anybody know one?
@melpraktis: When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.