Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
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*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.