Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Don’t forget to tip your server
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already