“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
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Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.