Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
You Might Also Like
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Ummm
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
quarantine day 3
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Just this preview of the story is enough
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*