Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
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*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.