“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
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Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute