@taitutu: Judging by your selfie, I can't help wonder why your mother didn't try & sell you to a circus when you were younger.

@GoogleChamiya: Oh, your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?

@OmeoMusic: I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name

@thesulk: "Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?" "Can't. Scared." "Of the water?" "No. Palindromes."

@ThaJawn: (Kid's Bday Party) Kid: Who are you? I'm you, from the future, don't eat that cake! K: *puts cake down, runs away crying *eats his cake