@ericsshadow: [on a date] Play it cool don't let her know you're a refrigerator [her ex-boyfriend turns off the electricity] "This isn't cool man."

@Reverend_Scott: can't believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

@CulturedRuffian: "I'm on my way." -People who haven't even left the house yet.

@TheTimeIGotHigh: "I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green."

@RamblingMachine: My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother's prospective children. I said I'll name the girl 'Denise' and the boy 'Denephew'.