“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
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*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.