“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
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Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Sharon, call the vet
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.