“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
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Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Best table by far
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
goldfish mafia
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Bike is short for Bichael.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.