Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Generation gap…
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?